I thought I should start out my embarrassing stories with a bang. This is one of my favorites, and I promise you it's 100% true. Not an ounce of this was made up and part of me wishes it was. I guarantee you will laugh, and just know, this is only the beginning.
It was Halloween. My good friend Patrick and I were currently working at the Boys and Girls Club of Joplin, and we wanted to wear matching costumes that would stir up some laughs. Luckily for us we had a friend whose mother owned a costume shop. Our choices were hilarious. We knew the kids would love them. Patrick went as a patriotic wolf sporting a leather USA jacket, and I went as a grotesque little red riding hood (facial hair included). After I got done stuffing my curly blonde hair under my bright red hood and packed my basket full of Halloween candy, I was ready to make my entrance. The reactions were just as we expected. But reactions from candy crazed children aren't always a good thing. They'll pull on your wig and step on your hairy over sized feet. You start to slowly regret being festive. Despite that, it was turning out to be a fun Halloween. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. It started while Autumn, who is now my wife, and I were monitoring the kids while watching "Monster House". I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. I first thought it was just a muscle pain, so awkwardly, I asked Autumn if she would press her foot on my back while I lay on the floor underneath her. The pressure she exerted made it feel better, but the pain was growing exponentially. At this point I felt like I was going to throw up it hurt so bad. I didn't want to be a distraction (kids+candy= enough distraction as is). Just to get them to focus on the movie is hard enough. I went into the computer lab and lay on the floor. I moaned and groaned while holding my back, but I was determined not to go to the hospital. I stumbled into the bathroom. The face in the mirror was pale white. In the stall was where the real freaking out began. I'll just say my hood wasn't the only thing red in that bathroom and it flushed. BLOOD! Coming from places it shouldn't. Must I go on? My friend, Patrick, was clear across two gyms in the teen room. For some reason, I started to walk to him, but I didn't make it. I collapsed on the gym floor. At this point I know what you're thinking... This is funny how? Here it goes... I called Patrick who knew I was serious (which we rarely are). Screaming in pain, Patrick helped me into his car. My sides were now burning. I thought I was dying. From this point on I probably looked like a woman in labor. My feet were on the dash of Patrick's car. I was yelling, "RUN THROUGH THE RED LIGHTS!" and "I'M DYING!" Mind you Patrick was still a wolf and I a pretty blonde girl. I'm sure we got a lot of looks on the road to the hospital. At the hospital Patrick got me a wheelchair, and while still in costume, he wheeled me into the emergency room. I was moaning and wailing. Other hospital patience were giggling at the wolf who just wheeled in the hideous pregnant riding hood. Patrick ran to a nurse and told her my situation. She didn't seem disturbed. Frustrated at her lack of fear toward my condition, I ordered to be looked at that instant. Don't people know someone's knocking on death's door when they see it? Paper work done (no insurance for Little Red), I was wheeled to a hospital bed. I screamed for medication while my mother and father both stood by my side, holding their precious riding hood's hand. I'm sure my mother reminisced the times we spent baking goodies for my dear grandmother. I was injected with something strong and felt immediate relief. I then went in for a cat scan and was informed of my situation. I had a kidney stone. A tiny spiky pea caused all this! To make matters worse, since I had no insurance I had to pass it on my own. At that point, knowing what was wrong, the rest didn't seem to bother me as much. I passed it knowing full well I would live to fight another day. I sleep at night knowing that I didn't scar the children's memories of their beloved Little Red Riding Hood. "Then she died of a kidney stone. THE END" To this day, this is one of my favorite stories. We can rewrite the past and put an end to this wolf's bad reputation. Honestly, I would let him eat my grandmother before having to go through another kidney stone. But if I do, I can rest easy knowing there is a wolf who is not so big and bad.
It was Halloween. My good friend Patrick and I were currently working at the Boys and Girls Club of Joplin, and we wanted to wear matching costumes that would stir up some laughs. Luckily for us we had a friend whose mother owned a costume shop. Our choices were hilarious. We knew the kids would love them. Patrick went as a patriotic wolf sporting a leather USA jacket, and I went as a grotesque little red riding hood (facial hair included). After I got done stuffing my curly blonde hair under my bright red hood and packed my basket full of Halloween candy, I was ready to make my entrance. The reactions were just as we expected. But reactions from candy crazed children aren't always a good thing. They'll pull on your wig and step on your hairy over sized feet. You start to slowly regret being festive. Despite that, it was turning out to be a fun Halloween. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. It started while Autumn, who is now my wife, and I were monitoring the kids while watching "Monster House". I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. I first thought it was just a muscle pain, so awkwardly, I asked Autumn if she would press her foot on my back while I lay on the floor underneath her. The pressure she exerted made it feel better, but the pain was growing exponentially. At this point I felt like I was going to throw up it hurt so bad. I didn't want to be a distraction (kids+candy= enough distraction as is). Just to get them to focus on the movie is hard enough. I went into the computer lab and lay on the floor. I moaned and groaned while holding my back, but I was determined not to go to the hospital. I stumbled into the bathroom. The face in the mirror was pale white. In the stall was where the real freaking out began. I'll just say my hood wasn't the only thing red in that bathroom and it flushed. BLOOD! Coming from places it shouldn't. Must I go on? My friend, Patrick, was clear across two gyms in the teen room. For some reason, I started to walk to him, but I didn't make it. I collapsed on the gym floor. At this point I know what you're thinking... This is funny how? Here it goes... I called Patrick who knew I was serious (which we rarely are). Screaming in pain, Patrick helped me into his car. My sides were now burning. I thought I was dying. From this point on I probably looked like a woman in labor. My feet were on the dash of Patrick's car. I was yelling, "RUN THROUGH THE RED LIGHTS!" and "I'M DYING!" Mind you Patrick was still a wolf and I a pretty blonde girl. I'm sure we got a lot of looks on the road to the hospital. At the hospital Patrick got me a wheelchair, and while still in costume, he wheeled me into the emergency room. I was moaning and wailing. Other hospital patience were giggling at the wolf who just wheeled in the hideous pregnant riding hood. Patrick ran to a nurse and told her my situation. She didn't seem disturbed. Frustrated at her lack of fear toward my condition, I ordered to be looked at that instant. Don't people know someone's knocking on death's door when they see it? Paper work done (no insurance for Little Red), I was wheeled to a hospital bed. I screamed for medication while my mother and father both stood by my side, holding their precious riding hood's hand. I'm sure my mother reminisced the times we spent baking goodies for my dear grandmother. I was injected with something strong and felt immediate relief. I then went in for a cat scan and was informed of my situation. I had a kidney stone. A tiny spiky pea caused all this! To make matters worse, since I had no insurance I had to pass it on my own. At that point, knowing what was wrong, the rest didn't seem to bother me as much. I passed it knowing full well I would live to fight another day. I sleep at night knowing that I didn't scar the children's memories of their beloved Little Red Riding Hood. "Then she died of a kidney stone. THE END" To this day, this is one of my favorite stories. We can rewrite the past and put an end to this wolf's bad reputation. Honestly, I would let him eat my grandmother before having to go through another kidney stone. But if I do, I can rest easy knowing there is a wolf who is not so big and bad.
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