Laugh at me #2: This Fudge Tastes Like Soap

 

For my next embarrassing story I'm going to tell about a moment of pure disappointment. It all started at the Maple Leaf Parade in Carthage Missouri. The wife and I were taking a very rambunctious Boys and Girls Club kid, Kayli, who was very excited about the parade. Her excitement rubbed off on the two of us, and I was pretty hyper about a parade I'm usually indifferent about. We always begin our Maple Leaf experience by touring the booths and buying amazing items that you could not find in stores. Who wouldn't want a pajamas knitted for your cat, a clear dolphin filled with colorful sand, or an airplane made out of pop cans! Immediately Kayli and I noticed one of the most amazing booths that the Maple Leaf had to offer. To sweaten the deal a sign beckoned us with its two simple words. FREE SAMPLE! Kayli and I both looked at one another and yelled, "FREE FUDGE!" We ran to the booth. I didn't notice anything but the beautiful pieces of mint chocolate fudge. 

They looked delectable, and Kayli watched as I picked up a piece ready for my free sample. I did notice how the fudge was not what I expected in my grasp. It was harder than most of the fudge I remembered. I took a huge bite from the fudge and it was like the world stopped around me. The bitter taste, the hard crumbly consistency, this was the strangest tasting fudge. It was then that the realization of my embarrassing fault came from the voice of a small girl. "SIR THAT IS NOT TO EAT!" she exclaimed. I began to finally take notice of the booth around me. The women who were using the basins of water to the left of me washing their hands. The other pieces of fudge that were in different shapes and not your typical colors. Fudge in the shape of rubber duckies? Fudge that is bright blue with yellow swirls? The  biggest tip of all was the sign (in my defense it was discreet) that read "Tiffany's Homemade Soap". As I spit the soap out on the ground I tried not to make eye contact with all the women who were trying to figure me out at the moment. A few were laughing but most were disgusted. I said to them all, "I thought it was fudge. They look like fudge." Then came the nail in the coffin. The woman who was responsible for this misleading fudge said, "ISAIAH!?" It would have been my luck that the woman selling the soap in disguise was a girl I graduated with from high school. I responded with a simple, "You need a sign that says NOT FUDGE" and walked off awkwardly. Of course I spent the rest of the day enjoying the amazing parade of old men in small go-carts, small town high school bands who have had the same uniforms since the 70s, and the long train of ancient John Deer tractors (always a personal favorite). But in the end even after the frozen lemonade, the funnel cake, and the tootsie rolls wrestled from the small child next to me I still had that definite taste lingering in the back of my mouth. The hard texture of awkwardness, the crumble of disappointment, and the bitter taste of embarrassment. And to think, I didn't even have a potty mouth.

Laugh at Me #1: Little Red Riding to the Hospital

I thought I should start out my embarrassing stories with a bang. This is one of my favorites, and I promise you it's 100% true. Not an ounce of this was made up and part of me wishes it was. I guarantee you will laugh, and just know, this is only the beginning.

It was Halloween. My good friend Patrick and I were currently working at the Boys and Girls Club of Joplin, and we wanted to wear matching costumes that would stir up some laughs. Luckily for us we had a friend whose mother owned a costume shop. Our choices were hilarious. We knew the kids would love them. Patrick went as a patriotic wolf sporting a leather USA jacket, and I went as a grotesque little red riding hood (facial hair included). After I got done stuffing my curly blonde hair under my bright red hood and packed my basket full of Halloween candy, I was ready to make my entrance. The reactions were just as we expected. But reactions from candy crazed children aren't always a good thing. They'll pull on your wig and step on your hairy over sized feet. You start to slowly regret being festive. Despite that, it was turning out to be a fun Halloween. Boy was I in for a rude awakening. It started while Autumn, who is now my wife, and I were monitoring the kids while watching "Monster House". I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. I first thought it was just a muscle pain, so awkwardly, I asked Autumn if she would press her foot on my back while I lay on the floor underneath her. The pressure she exerted made it feel better, but the pain was growing exponentially. At this point I felt like I was going to throw up it hurt so bad. I didn't want to be a distraction (kids+candy= enough distraction as is). Just to get them to focus on the movie is hard enough. I went into the computer lab and lay on the floor. I moaned and groaned while holding my back, but I was determined not to go to the hospital. I stumbled into the bathroom. The face in the mirror was pale white. In the stall was where the real freaking out began. I'll just say my hood wasn't the only thing red in that bathroom and it flushed. BLOOD! Coming from places it shouldn't. Must I go on? My friend, Patrick, was clear across two gyms in the teen room. For some reason, I started to walk to him, but I didn't make it. I collapsed on the gym floor. At this point I know what you're thinking... This is funny how? Here it goes... I called Patrick who knew I was serious (which we rarely are). Screaming in pain, Patrick helped me into his car. My sides were now burning. I thought I was dying. From this point on I probably looked like a woman in labor. My feet were on the dash of Patrick's car. I was yelling, "RUN THROUGH THE RED LIGHTS!" and "I'M DYING!" Mind you Patrick was still a wolf and I a pretty blonde girl. I'm sure we got a lot of looks on the road to the hospital. At the hospital Patrick got me a wheelchair, and while still in costume, he wheeled me into the emergency room. I was moaning and wailing. Other hospital patience were giggling at the wolf who just wheeled in the hideous pregnant riding hood. Patrick ran to a nurse and told her my situation. She didn't seem disturbed. Frustrated at her lack of fear toward my condition, I ordered to be looked at that instant. Don't people know someone's knocking on death's door when they see it? Paper work done (no insurance for Little Red), I was wheeled to a hospital bed. I screamed for medication while my mother and father both stood by my side, holding their precious riding hood's hand. I'm sure my mother reminisced the times we spent baking goodies for my dear grandmother. I was injected with something strong and felt immediate relief. I then went in for a cat scan and was informed of my situation. I had a kidney stone. A tiny spiky pea caused all this! To make matters worse, since I had no insurance I had to pass it on my own. At that point, knowing what was wrong, the rest didn't seem to bother me as much. I passed it knowing full well I would live to fight another day. I sleep at night knowing that I didn't scar the children's memories of their beloved Little Red Riding Hood. "Then she died of a kidney stone. THE END" To this day, this is one of my favorite stories. We can rewrite the past and put an end to this wolf's bad reputation. Honestly, I would let him eat my grandmother before having to go through another kidney stone. But if I do, I can rest easy knowing there is a wolf who is not so big and bad.

Beginnings of Bloggdom

Hello world! This is my introduction into the popular world of blogging. You might ask yourself: Why did it take you SO long to get into this? Or you might ask: Why should I read what you write? You could even ask:  Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? These are all valid questions. I can give you one valid answer. Stop asking so many questions, so I can write already. My name is Isaiah. If you didn't figure that out from the Blog title then you're probably illiterate and this blog won't do you any good. I'm an elementary teacher, but I love to write. At the moment I have a chapter book series that is in the review process at HarperCollins... Fingers crossed! (Crossing fingers makes it hard to type but it's worth it). I'm also working on some other book projects. Some are scary, some are adventurous, but mostly I like to make people laugh. That is the reason I started this blog. I have had SO many embarrassing things happen to me that I would be doing a disservice to the world if they weren't spread throughout the interweb. Seriously, I want you to laugh at my discomfort, giggle at my pain, and roll on the floor from my awkward existence. On a regular basis, I will be posting stories, and the occasional funny poem, that are 100% true and not fabricated. From time to time I might switch it up, but I have so many stories to share they will take up most of the blog. Please sit back and enjoy.