Alright let me set up the scene. I was taking care of a group of girls from a local non-profit in Springfield Missouri. These girls could be a bit of a hand full to say the least, and I looked for any moment to put them in their place. I was getting tired of doing this via Monopoly. I could earn all the monopoly money in the world, but what good is proving ones authority if it's not in public. I found that opportunity at the Rockin' Ribs Festival. You could hear the commotion coming from this particular event throughout the entire festival, and it was safe to say it sparked my interest as well. As we made it over to the ruckus there was a group of eight children from the ages of 6-12 who were diving head first into a box of Krispy Kreme's finest glazed. They could not use their hands as they gently bit into each doughnut. The announcer would give the victorious child who probably ate a total of two doughnuts a coupon for, yes it's true, MORE doughnuts. They then got to take home the box they were feasting on as well. My girls were excited to show their stuff. I, on the other hand, only scoffed at the pathetic attempt that Krispy Kreme called competition. TWO DOUGHNUTS... COMMON!So we discussed our intent to the woman in charge. She saved the older generations for a certain competition. "Good a challenge," I thought. And oh man wouldn't it be one. Two of the largest men I had seen in awhile walked up, towering over their box of glazed obesity. I swear I saw a doughnut drop a bead of sweat (or glaze) in fear. They definitely put the Rockin' in the Rockin' Ribs Festival. About four of my girls were also stepping up to the challenge. Now there is something you must know before I continue. These aren't ordinary girls. They can put it away. We have been talking smack with one another this entire time, and I was not about to let them get the best of me. Let me just say, I thought I had my work cut out for me. I thought I had to work to win...
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| Picture this but with three large men on the outside. |
We stepped up to our boxes and were read the rules. Hands behind your back.... Two minutes... Eat as many as you can... The crowd gathered and it was thick with onlookers ready for a show. I would give it to them! I thought about my strategy... Then the timer started. I dove my head into my box and instantly felt the gooey glaze cover my face. My strategy was to take a single bite from a doughnut, then I would pick it up with my mouth elongated, and inhale the entire thing at once. Let me just say... It was working beautifully. The woman yelled thirty seconds and I had already eaten four doughnuts. The crowd was cheering loudly. I felt like the Tim Tebow of eating competitions. I could hear my girls chomping away beside me. "ONE MINUTE!!" I had engulfed about eight doughnuts at this moment. The crowds cheers were beginning to muffle... WHY!! Keep cheering, I thought. She yelled, "ONE MINUTE THIRTY SECONDS!!" I had eaten almost the entire box of doughnuts. My face was engulfed with glaze. I was lightheaded from the sugar rush. The crowd was completely silent at this moment. "WHY HAVE THEY STOPPED CHEERING! TIME IS ALMOST UP!!" I raged internally. Finally, I took a bit of my last doughnut. The time was not up yet, and I heard the announcer tell a fellow employee. "Times almost up. We don't need to give him another box." I smiled... Victory! She yelled "TIME!", and I raised my head. I became instantly dizzy as I tried to focus in on the crowd. They were ALL staring at... me. They didn't look pleased... They looked disgusted. Their faces were in frowns, and I'm pretty sure a mother hid her child's eyes from staring in my direction.
The announcer pat me on the back. It felt like more for sympathy than victory. The largest man held up his box to the crowd. He smiled from his accomplishment... Five and a half whole doughnuts! The other large man had eaten almost four. The announcer began talking about everyone else's box. My girls all barely ate two. One ate a bite from each of her doughnuts and stopped. Then the large man's smile faded. He too looked at me with horror as the announcer lifted my box to the crowd. Nothing... Only a few spots of glaze here and there, maybe a nibble from one doughnut. A couple people clapped, but most stood in silence. Then the lady announced for the entire festival to hear, "A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS IN TWO MINUTES. WE HAVE A NEW RECORD!!!" She put the microphone up to my mouth... "HOW DO YOU FEEL!" I brought my head to the microphone and said lightly, "Obese". As I pulled away I left a little bit of glaze on it. People laughed and others shook their head in agreement. Then to make matters utterly worse the announcer said. "LET'S GET A PICTURE OF OUR CHAMPION WITH SOME LOVELY LADIES!!!" Two Hooters models walked over to me and halfheartedly placed their hands on my shoulders, as if I had leprosy. Then a man with a large focused camera took a picture of us. I wasn't smiling. The glaze still thick around my mouth. After the flash the girls retreated, and I gathered my prize... More doughnuts. I didn't want to look at a doughnuts, let alone eat them. I accepted all of the sympathetic "Good jobs" and finished out the festival in the privacy of the company tent. It was safe to say that proving my superiority backfired this day.
The girls used this moment as an opportunity to poke fun at me. They made Hungry Hungry Hippo jokes and spent a good week saying things like... "Look I'm Mr. Isaiah NOM NOM NOM." As embarrassing as my gluttony was I did prove one thing. Even eating can bring a crowd in awe. It might have not been for the reasons that most desire... but awe none the less. And in the end how many people can say.... "I have a record."
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